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personal presence

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Every single minute of your life is an interview.

Whether you realize it or not, you are always “on.” People are reading you, sensing you, feeling you. And, based on how you make them feel, they will either lean in or back away. It’s human nature.

We are constantly being reminded of the importance of networking. Making connections and building relationships is the single most important thing we can do to keep our careers healthy and vibrant. It’s who we know! And, it’s how we show up that matters.

Even very casual contacts can be quite powerful in terms of linking us to new ideas and opportunities. As we expand our circles and meet new people we learn about different information, resources, and companies.

We all need a keen awareness of being “on” before we step out the door. Even a trip to the mailbox and a chance encounter with a neighbor offers the possibility of meaningful connection that could lead to an interesting opportunity.

Success can seem like sheer coincidence and happenstance. In reality, people who understand that they are always “on” are more likely to turn seemingly random encounters into meaningful connections. The goal is to continually grow our circles and then work to take key relationships deeper.

To hone your sense of self-awareness, consider how you present yourself in different settings and situations. Are you showing up in the best ways possible? Do people tend to lean in or back away? Are you someone that others would feel comfortable recommending to a hiring manager or referring as a business resource?

I recently inquired about a training program offered by a local entrepreneur. By the time I got off the phone, I no longer wanted to enroll. Rather than engaging me about her unique offerings, the business owner spent most of the call complaining about how hard it has been to make a decent living in this town.

I backed away. I decided to spend my money with a different provider. She not only lost out on my registration but on referrals I may have made. I doubt she realizes that her negativity is what turned me off.

What about authenticity? Are we supposed to pretend that we are “doing great” when we are depressed or down to our last dime? Being “on” is not about faking it. Meaningful connections can only form when we are genuine and real.

I am not advocating that people stuff their feelings but there is a time and a place to share our deeper fears and concerns. If you are a trying to build a private practice or launch a business, hire a coach or create a support network of trusted colleagues to help you through times of discouragement. If you are a job seeker, process setbacks and frustrations in the safety of a counseling setting or with close family members – not with a recruiter or at a networking event. If you are not ready to be “on,” then stay home.

Successful people know how and when to be vulnerable. They reveal mistakes and share challenges in a way that builds bridges rather than burns them. It is generally considered unattractive to speak negatively or blame outside forces such as a horrible boss, our age, or the state of the union for our situations.

For all these reasons and more, I truly believe that every single minute of our lives is an interview. Like it or not, we are always “on.” Set an intention to show up in the best way possible. You just might be the perfectly placed stepping-stone in someone else’s career journey. And, the very next person you meet could be the best thing that ever happened to you!

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Healing from Workplace Pain

I am not referring to the discomfort of sitting in non-ergonomic chair for too many hours each day. Although physical pain associated with our jobs is an important issue, what I am talking about here are the deeper psychological wounds that we suffer at work.

We suffer when we are laid off, fired, or even when we quit of our own accord. We may also suffer from different forms of harassment. I have had a few run-ins with toxic co-workers. Women can be incredibly mean to one another.  Workplace bullying is a pervasive problem.

And then we have horrible bosses. Bad bosses can range anywhere from evil incarnate to narcissistic egomaniacs to unenlightened fools. I have worked for three, what I would call “dispassionate leaders.” These are the bosses who are initially drawn to our spark. They seem nice enough but they make a habit of using people then casting them aside like so much trash.

More than once I have felt exactly like the butt of a cigarette. The light was sucked right out of me and a twisting toe attempted to grind me into a bit of worthless ash. Yes, that is what it feels like to be discarded.

I am a slow learner. It took several of these experiences before I realized a pattern. It took many years before I was able to see myself as a willing partner in this misery. Eventually, I made the choice to move beyond being a victim to being responsible. Response-able.

My clients share stories of workplace suffering. I can truly empathize with the pain they are feeling. The tricky part for me is resisting the urge to “fast forward” the process of someone’s healing. I cannot “transfer” my way of processing painful career experiences to someone else. It is a very personal journey.

There are often underlying issues that make some people more susceptible than others to workplace bullying and suffering. Early childhood experiences, previous trauma, and one’s current emotional health and wellbeing are just a few of the complexities that come into play. Still, I wonder about the best ways to help clients.

Many of my clients are in psychotherapy to deal with the underlying issues. They often confess that mental health therapists don’t really understand the workplace. And not all career counselors have the therapeutic skills or “real world” experience to effectively work with clients on a deeper level.

It can be a catch 22. On the one hand, getting to the root of our issues is important. On the other hand, we need to be able to get through the workday and collect a paycheck. Most of us cannot suspend earning a living until we are all healed up and strong.

I have no quick fixes. But I have learned a few things that may be helpful to you as you move through career pain and suffering.

First, in order to grow, we must accept responsibility for what we have done to contribute to where we are at in life. If we have no responsibility, then we have little ability to change. And, I fully realize that this may feel like a slap in the face, like salt to your wounds.

In the therapeutic setting I work hard to know when someone is ready to go deeper and consider this possibility. In a trusting counseling partnership, clients can feel my unconditional appreciation and genuine empathy. In a blog, I am pretty sure I am just pissing some of you off.

Still, this approach can help us move beyond being the willing victim. Once we accept responsibility we can focus on our desired responses to the complex people and situations we encounter.

The other day I was hiking in a nearby wooded area. I frequent these trails many times each week. On this particular day, an off leash pit-bull came running out of nowhere towards my dog and me. The pit-bull grabbed a hold of my dog’s neck and I stood by screaming helplessly.

Eventually the pit-bull’s owner was able to pull her dog off of mine. I was angry. I felt victimized by the completely unprovoked attack. I checked my dog and thankfully discovered no puncture wounds. The pit-bull and owner hiked down the trail and I decided to continue up the mountain.

As I walked, I replayed the incident in my mind. As the shock and anger subsided I realized that I needed to be better prepared. This was not the first time I had encountered dogs off leash. This time it could have been a fight to the death. What could I do to avoid this in the future?

I went back to the “scene of the crime” and re-wrote the final lines. This is an exercise I often have my clients do as they process their workplace suffering.

In the case of the pit-bull encounter, I envisioned a can of pepper spray attached to my belt. As the dog ran towards me, I aimed and fired. The spray landed right in the dog’s face. The pit-bull immediately stopped in its tracks to shake off the poison. The owner got to her dog and attached the leash. I had a sturdy walking stick in case the dog continued towards me but I did not have to use it. The pepper spray did the trick.

As I reimagined this version of the encounter over and over in my mind, I felt strong and protected. I felt responsible to my dog as well as to myself. Rather than feeling like a victim, I felt empowered to handle future incidents. Fear and anger were replaced by a sense of calm assurance. I was not preoccupied by what I thought someone else should do. I was keenly focused inward on how I wanted to behave.

Granted, there are dangers and risks that I may encounter for which a can of pepper spray and a stick are simply no match. There is no way to completely protect ourselves from all predators in the woods or in the workplace. Still, I can be more mindful of my surroundings, more self-aware, and more prepared for situations. I can be strong and powerful and stand my ground. And, I can always choose my response.

One thing I know for sure is that eventually, if we allow it to be so, the most painful of experiences can lead to personal growth. The more difficult the challenge, the more likely it is that we can experience true transformation.

I could write for hours and hours about this topic. Maybe a book will be born. In the meantime, I will end with this quote:

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Victor Frankl

 P.S.  Pepper spray is not intended for use on horrible bosses or workplace bullies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Creating Personal Presence

Thanks to Tami Palmer of Greyzone and Karen Southall Watts for contributing to my recent piece on Personal Presence.  You ladies rock!  You can read the full article here or click on this link to visit the NCBR/BizWest site.

Cultivating Personal Presence – The REAL Key to Success

Most of us spend way too much time working on our résumés while barely giving our personal presence a passing thought. Your résumé may get you an interview but it won’t land you a job. It’s like having a whole bunch of nails but no hammer. What good is that? Personal presence is the real key to opening doors and meeting with success.

Karen Southall Watts is a coach, trainer, and writer who works with job seekers at all stages of their careers to assist them in achieving their goals. She says, “I see many highly educated, well-qualified people who are out of work. Many people expect that their impressive résumés will do all the talking.”

“Candidates think they can present a laundry list of qualifications and get job offers, contracts, and deals in return. It simply doesn’t work like this. Even when candidates can rattle off their skills, they struggle to convey their value or what it would be like to work with them as an overall experience.”

Tami Spaulding, founder of Greyzone, a job search and career mentoring organization, agrees. Spaulding tells her clients, “Your résumé is an outline. YOU are the presentation. Your résumé is marketing piece to help you get in the door. It’s up to you to sell yourself.”

Helping clients develop personal presence is a topic near and dear to Spaulding’s heart. “I think I have stumbled upon the secret sauce for interview success and even overall career success. It is pairing humility with confidence. That energy is what makes people attracted to you and gets you far. You really need both of these qualities in balance. We need the energy and the confidence to reach out to others and at the same time we need to remain humble and sincere in our approach.”

Spaulding talks about a client who recently had the courage to be real when asked about his biggest weakness during an interview. “It turns out that the interviewer had the same weakness! They bonded over their shared shortcoming. We crave this kind of authenticity. People feel comfortable around us when we are open and honest. Candidates go unnoticed or are quickly forgotten when they are too guarded or when they try too hard to please.”

The goal is not to be perfect. Presence is about being authentic. Watts’ background in musical theatre gave her early insight into what it meant to have presence. “Over the years I have seen many performers who were technically accomplished but no one would sit through their performances. Then there were those singers who did not necessarily hit all the high notes yet audiences couldn’t get enough of them. It takes more than being qualified and now I see this in every pool of people I work with as a coach.”

Personal presence can be difficult to define yet most of us recognize it in a heartbeat. It’s unique to every person and comes in as many different flavors as there are people on the planet. Gandhi had presence. So did Marilyn Monroe. The key is discovering your own presence and staying true to it in every situation.

The good news is that presence can be cultivated. We can learn to how to dress or how to sit with greater poise and presence. We can join groups such as Toastmasters in order to refine our public speaking skills. Networking plays such a key role in our success. There are countless books on the topic and endless opportunities to practice connecting more authentically with others.

It is best to begin cultivating presence through a process of self-discovery. We need to embrace what makes us unique and then set clear intentions about how we want to show up in the world. In my work with clients, I incorporate journaling activities, creative visualizations, personality assessments, value clarifications, video coaching, and communication practice to help people discover what makes them unique. Only then do we begin to define and develop their personal brands.

As they move out into the world, the intention they have set can inform and guide their behaviors. Acting from a place of intention allows us to feel greater confidence and a sense of ease in every situation. Watts adds, “We can meditate on what we really want to be known for and keep these qualities in mind as we interact with others.”

“When networking, for example, it is more about being someone worth talking to than collecting business cards and asking for favors. People can feel when you are trying to convert them to a sale or a job offer. They don’t like that. On the flip side, people can feel when you are genuinely interested in them with no expectations.”

Spaulding encourages her clients to ask lots of good questions during interviews and networking conversations. “Show curiosity. Be attentive. It is as simple as asking questions and letting others tell their stories. Listen and make eye contact. People are drawn to us when we show sincere interest in their stories and experiences.”

Kristi Hedges, executive coach and author of, “The Power of Presence – Unlock Your Potential to Influence and Engage Others,” offers this definition. She says, “Personal presence is the ability to connect with and inspire others.”

Watts agrees, “Presence is not about us as much as it is about how we make others feel. We all have this little seed inside that yearns to become something bigger and brighter. People with charisma and presence cause us to see these things in ourselves that perhaps we did not even know were there. That is what presence does. It brings out something wonderful in the other person.”

Toss your résumé aside. Get busy discovering who you are and how you want to be known in this world. Personal presence is cultivated in through a lifetime of intentional living. Every interaction offers a chance to be your best self and to inspire others to do the same.

 

 

 

 

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